I haven't abandoned you!

I've been really busy with the BF getting ready to head to the desert for 6 weeks of fun, fun, fun! It turns out there is a lot of life stuff that I wasn't doing (like wills, living wills, insurance, proper filing of impt papers) and we needed to get those done *this is morbid* so in case something should happen to him, I can untangle the mess of his finances. Isn't cohabiting fun?!

Anyway, I saw this article on Mashable about how Google is going to change all the branding of Blogger to integrate it better for their new social community Google+. Personally, I haven't read anything about Google+ (aside from this) because it seems like one of those things that makes more sense when you look at than when you read it. And because it doesn't seem to add anything to my life that I don't already get from my various social networks, but we're see. I might have said the same thing about twitter and now I love it (from a distance...)

Here's the article if you want to give it a read. I'd love to hear your thoughts!
http://mashable.com/2011/07/05/google-blogger-picasa-rebranding/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+Mashable+%28Mashable%29


PS. I'm going to try and get some vacation photos up sometime soon, so be on the look out for that.

No man's post

Warning: Emotional post.

I went to dinner last night to see some friends from college and I inadvertently hurt a good friend's feelings. The details aren't really necessary, just know that I said something careless without stopping to think about how it might make her feel. I thought that she seemed immediately upset but since it was a large group dinner, I decided that it might be better to address it later in a more private setting.

So this evening I called and got her voicemail where I apologized if I had hurt her feelings and tried to explain what my intentions had been. She called back and in the middle of the conversation, I started balling. I had just been on the phone with my mom and had started to cry when I was telling her about the situation, so it wasn't totally unexpected. My poor friend. She thought that she had upset me (there was a miscommunication on her end that she felt required an apology to me) and I'm not sure that I managed to convince her otherwise. Now I feel even worse because in trying to explain that it really wasn't her that had upset me, I feel like I hijacked a conversation and turned it into something about my problems instead of it being the apology I had intended, because I had greatly hurt her feelings.

I hope that it will work out okay. I have a feeling that this might be one of those moments that kills a relationship that is already in transition. And that's really what I was crying about.

In a previous post, I mentioned how frustrating it is to be here with the Marines and yet not welcome. Then on the drive home on the way from dinner, I realized that I was almost completely out of step with them too. I was so excited to come to this base because it would be a chance to start my life with the Marine Corps (my previous location was very temporary in NC and we didn't try to settle in) and getting into this great community that I've heard so much about, and I would get to be about an hour away from some of my best friends. I moved away right after college and this was the first time that I would be able to see them regularly in 2 years. It seemed perfect.

Instead, although my daily life is that of a Marine Corps SO, I feel somewhat ostracized (recurring theme!) and like I'm just not one of them yet. We aren't married and we aren't having kids any time soon which means that my priorities and interest can be quite different. And since we don't live on base (see: not married) and I can't join in many spouse only activities, I wouldn't know how to meet them to even see if there was some compatibility.

On the other hand, for all the ways that I'm an outsider here around base, I'm also an outsider with my friends. I am connected to the Marines; I live with my BF in an almost married fashion; I live an hour away; I haven't really gotten my career started because of these recent moves; I'm completely freaked out about the deployment and being alone. So while facing down this profound, gaping hole of loneliness that is fast approaching, I don't have the one thing that I was sure moving to Pendleton would allow me to have--a support network. 

I feel so "other" right now. Normally at this point, people would mention that the only thing getting them through is their "bloggy friends," but I haven't made any of those either. I started commenting in Feb when I started this blog, but it seems like half of them don't post (and maybe I'm paranoid because of my current situation, but I feel like maybe the authors don't appreciate my comments and are hoping that I'll take the hint and go away). The other ones don't ever generate a response of any kind. Apparently my comments are either offensive or completely uninteresting. Go figure.

I need new blogs to read

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for a good blog that updates at least once a week? I know, tall order considering that I don't even do that.

I found a blog yesterday and I spent something like 5 hours going through the archives. Her story is so tragic for so many different events and I just had to know as much as I could about. Actually, almost every time I find a new blog, I read back until her very first post. I'm a voracious reader like that. Sadly, I can't add her to my list because she hasn't updated in 4 months and I suspect that blogging has taken a backseat to kids or life in general.

So I'm in the market to add some new people to my regularly read blogs. If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

It's funny how life works

I guess I've owed this thing an update for a while now. I'm going to number it, which I know is lazy writing, but at this point I think it best to get it out and then worry about making it pretty.

1. The part-time converting to full-time job that I had a few months ago completely disappeared. I'm not sure what happened, but I was having a really hard time getting in touch with my employer and now I don't know what the status is. He said they are working on development, but I'm not sure if he plans to keep me on board in a few months when they are ready to do more marketing. If not, then I lost a very crucial part of my network.

2. On the other hand, I want to be working full-time (or something close to it) before his project would be ready to go. So I decided it was time to start looking for work locally. I found one job that was too good to be true, and I didn't even get a phone call. Come to think of it, I found out a few weeks ago that they had hired someone, but I still haven't received any sort of official notification which is incredibly rude, especially considering that they have an HR department whose job is to hire (or not hire, in my case) employees. I hate that. I hate that about the job market--that employers don't need to sell themselves anymore so they also got rid of consideration and common decency. I've applied to couple of other things with no response what-so-ever. It's exasperating and disheartening.

3. I do have two part-time things lined up though, so not all is lost. One is doing marketing (as an unpaid intern) for a law firm, but since it's lots of SEO and web presence development, I'm not too concerned about the lack of pay. The other is freelance writing for a job board for diversity candidates. All in all, it's a lot more writing than I've done in a long time, so I'm hoping that my sporadic blog posts kept me fresh enough to pull it off. Also that by stating with my blog in the AM, I can get a flow going for writing the other things.

4. I mentioned previously that I had a new idea for a start-up. First, let me clarify and say that I'm not giving up on my old idea, I just need to gain a few more skills before I'm ready to tackle something like that full time. Although now that I think about, I guess I've been very private about that idea, so you don't actually know what I'm talking about. I want to start an online retail store that sells home goods designed and created by military and veteran hobbyists. I need to do a feasibility plan for it (how much it would cost versus how much my potential sales are) but I'm completely lost on how to get that data and it seems so daunting the more I put it off. Also, I since I can't even get up the courage to talk to my own dad about selling some of his iron pieces, I'm a little lacking on merchandisers.

However, the new idea is a lot easier. It's starting a local social media marketing firm. We have so many shops and restaurants around here that could use some serious tweaking of their social media plans/efforts and it gives me a lot of energy to think of everything I could offer. I still need to run some numbers, figure out what the costs v profits could be, etc. but I think this could be a winner. Not the least of which is because the craigslist ad that inspired me to think of this was advertising that they could set up Twitter and Facebook for a company for only $850. Does that seem steep to you? It seems ridiculous to me. But also like there is a lot of money to be made here.

So things I need to do: find a graphic designer/co-founder (I need someone to keep me motivated); do some feasibility research; talk to the local chamber of commerce to get more information on the businesses here; ??write a business plan??; figure out what to offer in each marketing package; put together a formal presentation; develop a kick-a marketing plan for my company; research local businesses to create a sales pitch; implement.

It's scary but exciting!

Just to clarify, an actual business plan is mostly financial projections and broad stroke marketing (as in, look! There really is a market for my thingamajig!). You use it to illustrate the money making potential of your business to banks and interested investors. Since I'm not planning on using either of those sources of cash, a proper business plan is really just a time suck. Not to be mention a little hard since the projections are all estimates based off other estimates which come from industry standards which themselves are averages. It's like building a business on jello--it might be where you say it is, but there's a heck of a lot of wiggle room. Also jello falls apart easily and leaves stains, so I don't mess with jello.

What I would need is a detailed outline of my marketing strategy, my products, and any processes I want to put in place (bookkeeping, sales, website administration, division of responsibilities, etc.). That, I will do for sure, but probably not a "real" business plan. We're shoestringing it here, people!

5. On a more personal note, the BF is doing some of those several week long trainings in preparation for his fast approaching deployment to Afghanistan. I kinda feel like he already left. Or more like this is the beginning of the long and tumultuous journey known as a deployment. In the 3 months (ish--I don't post dates) he has left, he'll be around for about 4 weeks. And by around, I mean working late hours, taking phone calls all night when he does get home, trying to fall asleep at 9, and being grumpy when I try to get him to stay up for a little while so we can have some time together. Not to mention, all the INSANE amounts of paperwork that we have to do to get ready for this thing. He's going to love that.

By the way, if you are ever faced with the decision to move with a boyfriend who is about to deploy, I'm not sure that I would recommend it. To the Marine Corps girlfriends are invisible, or even worse--suspect, . Everyone is pretty sure that the only way to keep a woman from stealing your money and running away with another man is to marry her, because otherwise we'll just run wild as soon as the guys leave. And because no wives have ever done that. Right?

Seriously though, you'll be excluded from a lot of things because you aren't married. And you'll have to work extra hard to predict any potential crises so that you can get all the paperwork pre-set-up to take care of it. There is no fall back position of any significance to give you the authority to do anything on behalf of your guy. Like pay the rent, the bills, or pick up something that he needs from the PX. In fact, sometimes I think it would be easier to describe myself as a concerned/caring friend who is just trying to help out, because girlfriends are considered more likely to screw the guy over.  This is how it is going to feel to be life partner when DADT is repealed.

It's kinda like this:

As a GF, I have none of the rights or privileges, and we get no extra benefits. However, I have all of the stress and worry during deployment, all the responsibility to keep our household running, the limited career opportunities that come from moving with your significant other, and everything else that comes with being with someone in the military. And on top of that, I'm ostracized and have to lie about our relationship status (or at least let people think what they think) in order to get any consideration from some of the spouses. I can't attend wife functions; I can't get on base to attend company functions; we had to make special exemptions to get me on the notification list in case something should happen to him.

Maybe I'm biased, but I'd say you have to respect a girl who loves her man enough to hang on despite being invisible and insignificant to everyone else on base. Especially when all they are missing is a set of rings and a piece of paper.
 Written as a comment on SpouseBuzz

Now, I'm not saying that the military should change all of it's rules and let the latest flavor of the week make the notification list, but if you have a category for "adopted step-granddaughter," then it shouldn't be too hard to list "non-married significant other." Because it's ridiculous that I could love a man, have a house, a family (a dog, but you know it counts), and a life with him, and have to wait for his mom to remember to call me to let me know if he's hurt or killed.

That's my worst fear--that I won't know that I lost my love.

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You can see what this deployment has done to my head. I'm anticipating a lot of day-to-day grief and possibly the big grief. Joy.

To be fair, there are plus sides to living near the base and living with the BF. One is that I do get to see him everyday which is a lot more than I'd get to see him if I was back home. Those two hours before bed when we are on the couch and cuddling are probably worth everything else. There is also the chance to find a battle buddy and make friends with other SOs in the unit. It would be unfair to let you think that everyone I met is disparaging of our relationship when some people have been really great and inclusive. It's more the establishment which can occasionally trickle down to the personal. Plus, it's a military friendly area which I assume will make a big difference when I inevitably break down crying in some public place. Plus, I really like it here; I like my new business idea; I like having a place that is OUR home.

I'm just staring down the "extra special lonely" and starting to freak out.

It can't be Thursday again, can it?

The BF just left for a 12 day (I think, it got extended a day but might shorten?) FEX, which is really nothing compared to the 6mo or more deployment that we have coming up, but right now it's making me sad. I think it makes Almondine sad too, although I'm not sure how she knows. All I know is that she isn't looking for him to come home, which she normally does at this time of day.

On the plus side, we're going on a nice, "see you in 8 months" vacation right after he gets back from the training. It's 8 months in my head because there is the Mojave Viper training and then I'm pretty certain I'll never see him the last few weeks while they are getting ready to leave.

I guess that is why this feels so much more dramatic than the previous FEXes and all the months that we spent apart while we were long distance. Right now starts the 8 months in which, best case scenario, I get to hear from him about once a month. That's a heck of a lot different than going 1 month between visits but talking every.single.day for at least 2 hours. Yea, I know I was spoiled.

So I know I don't have too many readers, and definitely not too many comment-givers, but I'm BEGGING for advice on what to do to help me get through this "he's gone but he's here stage" as well as the actual deployment.

Thursday Five

I'm a little late, but it's still open, so I'll take it!

Fascinating

Pleasant

Sweet

Sensational

 Heartwarming

1. We had the BF's childhood friends over for the long weekend, and let me tell you, it's fascinating to see him in boy-world. It's all competition and dirty jokes and making fun of each other.

2. I have a new couch! And we have decorations! And a sweet print is coming soon to go over the couch.  (love me some Groupon. If you don't know it or use it, ask for my referral code, please!) So it finally feels pleasant and relaxing to just sit in my living room.

3. I woke up this morning to my sweet puppy resting her head on my shoulder while my even sweeter BF was using her as a pillow and wrapping his arms around me. Double cuddled is the only way.

4. I have a sensational idea for a different start-up than the original one that inspired this blog. I'm super duper pumped about it and will post more soon.

5. At our Memorial Beach BBQ, one of the BF's marines was there and after the BF set him up with a seat, unasked, the marine turned to me and said, "The [[BF]] is always taking good care of me." It's heartwarming to hear the respect and gratitude that someone else has for your loved one.

Why do these always seem so hard until I start them? Hope everyone has a great weekend planned. Be safe, be joyous.

We're not talking

The kitchen and I are not in a good place. Nor are the fruit flies and I. Or the dog that has chewed on one cord, three pens, three shoes, one hippo, one very expensive and fancy remote, and one baby present. I am also not talking to my computer (talking to you Apple) that arrived today from repair and has already required three reinstalls and one call to tech support. Still not sure if I'm talking to a "genius " tomorrow.

Oh, and Sallie Mae of course. We're usually not on speaking terms but today I reached out, I tried to make that connection,  and she shot me down. Told me that me, my business degree, and my research were wrong. Then told me that she'd look into it. So I guess we are actually talking.

The movers would be cut out if they weren't holding our stuff hostage aka improper paperwork that no one tried to fix. We're talking again Friday which is just in time to start talking to the dating in-laws who will soon be descendind on to my tragic kitchen.

So we're not talking.

The Marine Corps and I are not talking because the bf and I are not talking because of a field exercise.

I AM talking to my kidneys again after the antibiotics brought us back together. And my phone after a trip to Walmart for a new charger (thanks, Deen). And my money.  We had a nice long conversation this morning and I think it plans to stay put for a while. Unless Sallie Mae and I have another chat...