No man's post

Warning: Emotional post.

I went to dinner last night to see some friends from college and I inadvertently hurt a good friend's feelings. The details aren't really necessary, just know that I said something careless without stopping to think about how it might make her feel. I thought that she seemed immediately upset but since it was a large group dinner, I decided that it might be better to address it later in a more private setting.

So this evening I called and got her voicemail where I apologized if I had hurt her feelings and tried to explain what my intentions had been. She called back and in the middle of the conversation, I started balling. I had just been on the phone with my mom and had started to cry when I was telling her about the situation, so it wasn't totally unexpected. My poor friend. She thought that she had upset me (there was a miscommunication on her end that she felt required an apology to me) and I'm not sure that I managed to convince her otherwise. Now I feel even worse because in trying to explain that it really wasn't her that had upset me, I feel like I hijacked a conversation and turned it into something about my problems instead of it being the apology I had intended, because I had greatly hurt her feelings.

I hope that it will work out okay. I have a feeling that this might be one of those moments that kills a relationship that is already in transition. And that's really what I was crying about.

In a previous post, I mentioned how frustrating it is to be here with the Marines and yet not welcome. Then on the drive home on the way from dinner, I realized that I was almost completely out of step with them too. I was so excited to come to this base because it would be a chance to start my life with the Marine Corps (my previous location was very temporary in NC and we didn't try to settle in) and getting into this great community that I've heard so much about, and I would get to be about an hour away from some of my best friends. I moved away right after college and this was the first time that I would be able to see them regularly in 2 years. It seemed perfect.

Instead, although my daily life is that of a Marine Corps SO, I feel somewhat ostracized (recurring theme!) and like I'm just not one of them yet. We aren't married and we aren't having kids any time soon which means that my priorities and interest can be quite different. And since we don't live on base (see: not married) and I can't join in many spouse only activities, I wouldn't know how to meet them to even see if there was some compatibility.

On the other hand, for all the ways that I'm an outsider here around base, I'm also an outsider with my friends. I am connected to the Marines; I live with my BF in an almost married fashion; I live an hour away; I haven't really gotten my career started because of these recent moves; I'm completely freaked out about the deployment and being alone. So while facing down this profound, gaping hole of loneliness that is fast approaching, I don't have the one thing that I was sure moving to Pendleton would allow me to have--a support network. 

I feel so "other" right now. Normally at this point, people would mention that the only thing getting them through is their "bloggy friends," but I haven't made any of those either. I started commenting in Feb when I started this blog, but it seems like half of them don't post (and maybe I'm paranoid because of my current situation, but I feel like maybe the authors don't appreciate my comments and are hoping that I'll take the hint and go away). The other ones don't ever generate a response of any kind. Apparently my comments are either offensive or completely uninteresting. Go figure.